Responding to Bids: The Currency of Connection in Relationships
Relationships thrive on responsiveness. When one partner extends a "bid" for connection—whether through a comment, question, touch, or glance—how the other responds can either strengthen or weaken the relationship's foundation. This dynamic, first identified by relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman, reveals much about why some relationships flourish while others falter (Gottman & Silver, 1999).
The Nature of Bids
Bids appear in countless forms throughout daily life: sharing an observation about the weather, asking for help with a task, seeking physical affection, or simply making eye contact across a room. These moments represent one partner’s attempt to establish connection, however brief or seemingly insignificant.
What makes these interactions so crucial is not their content but their intention. Behind each bid lies a fundamental human need: to be seen, valued, and responded to with enthusiasm.
Three Ways to Respond
When one partner makes a bid, the other has three possible responses:
Turning toward: Acknowledging the bid with interest and engagement
Turning away: Ignoring or missing the bid entirely
Turning against: Responding with hostility or irritation
The frequency of "turning toward" versus the other responses strongly predicts relationship stability. Couples who regularly turn toward each other’s bids maintain stronger emotional connections, while those who habitually turn away or against experience increasing disconnection (Gottman & Silver, 1999).
The Enthusiasm Factor
Simply responding to bids isn’t enough—the quality of the response matters tremendously. Responses delivered with genuine enthusiasm transmit a powerful message: "You matter to me; your interests matter to me; your feelings matter to me."
Contrast this with perfunctory acknowledgments or obligatory responses, which communicate a very different message: "I’ll acknowledge you because I must, but I’m not truly invested."
Over time, enthusiasm becomes a crucial barometer of relationship health. Partners who respond to each other with consistent warmth and genuine interest cultivate an atmosphere of generosity and reciprocity. The relationship becomes a space where both individuals feel safe to express needs, knowing those expressions will be met with care rather than indifference.
When Bids Go Unmet
The psychological impact of repeatedly unacknowledged bids extends far beyond momentary disappointment. When bids for connection consistently receive minimal response or no response at all, the bidding partner experiences a profound form of emotional rejection.
This pattern creates a self-perpetuating cycle: as bids go unmet, the bidding partner may make fewer attempts at connection or may escalate the intensity of bids in hopes of finally breaking through. The receiving partner, meanwhile, may grow increasingly annoyed by what feels like excessive demands for attention, further withdrawing from engagement.
The result is a relationship slowly draining of its emotional resources—a state psychologists call "emotional bankruptcy" (Gottman, 1994).
Rebuilding Response Patterns
The good news is that bid-response patterns can be identified and transformed through conscious effort:
Developing awareness of the many forms bids can take
Recognizing one’s habitual response patterns
Practicing intentional turning toward, even when distracted or stressed
Gradually increasing the enthusiasm and warmth of responses
This transformation doesn’t require dramatic gestures. Rather, it’s built through countless small moments of attentiveness—a genuine smile, a follow-up question, setting aside a device to make eye contact. These seemingly minor shifts in behavior signal a profound message: "You are my priority."
In the economy of relationships, responsive enthusiasm becomes the currency that truly enriches both partners. By recognizing and wholeheartedly responding to each other’s bids for connection, couples create not just satisfaction but a sustaining joy that weatherproofs their bond against life’s inevitable challenges.
References:
Gottman, J. M. (1994). What predicts divorce? The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes. Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Harmony Books.