Why I Avoid Asking "How Does That Make You Feel?"
In my years of practice as a psychoanalyst, I have adhered to one gold star principle—never ask, "How does that make you feel?" This might come as a surprise, especially given how mainstream media and pop culture often portray therapy sessions. However, I've found that this seemingly simple question often has the unintended effect of shutting people down rather than encouraging free association.
PERSONAL EXPERIENCE
Early in my career, I sought ways to learn deeply about what enhances healing through talking. I studied esteemed theorists like Hyman Spotnitz, Benjamin Margolis, and under the tutelage of modern psychoanalytic guru, Stephen Day Ellis, who collectively emphasized the importance of creating a space where patients could freely express themselves without feeling cornered or put on the spot.
In one instance, I recall working with a client who had been through multiple therapists. He always felt an overwhelming pressure to articulate his emotions when asked directly about his feelings. This led to a sense of failure and frustration, causing him to freeze and shut down during sessions. By avoiding the "how does that make you feel" query and instead asking more open-ended questions, I was able to create a more inviting atmosphere where he could explore his thoughts and emotions at his own pace. This approach proved to be significantly more effective.
ALTERNATIVE QUESTIONS
Rather than asking pointed questions that can make clients feel put on the spot, I prefer to ask:
"Where would you like to start?" – This opens the door for clients to take control of the conversation, allowing them to begin with what feels most pressing or comfortable for them.
"What is on your mind?" – This question is broad and non-directive, giving clients the freedom to discuss whatever thoughts are currently occupying their minds.
"What should I know?" – This invites clients to share information they deem important, fostering a sense of agency and partnership in the therapeutic process.
These questions not only promote a flow of conversation but also help clients articulate their thoughts in a more natural and less pressured manner.
UNDERSTANDING PSYCHOANALYSIS
For those who are hesitant about psychoanalysis due to misconceptions spread on social media and in university settings, it's important to understand that the goal is to create a safe, non-judgmental space for open-ended exploration. The essence of psychoanalysis lies in understanding the unconscious mind and how it influences behavior and emotions. By using techniques that encourage free association, psychoanalysts can help uncover deeper insights and facilitate meaningful change, without shutting down the patient.
CONCLUSION
The practice of psychoanalysis is not about extracting specific emotions on demand; it's about understanding the complexities of the human mind. By avoiding the question "How does that make you feel?" and instead fostering an environment where clients can freely explore their thoughts, we can achieve a more authentic and effective therapeutic experience.
If you're curious about the benefits of psychoanalysis or want to explore how it can help you, consider reaching out to a qualified professional. Understanding your mind is a powerful step toward personal growth and emotional well-being.